I wish I could tell you how many times I kept a confident persona that was subconsciously attached to an invisible wall. I only allowed people to get so close to me before I began to back away; that was my niche. The thought of others seeing my truth was too much of a "risk" for me as well as having the fear of not being accepted. I refused to allow any inadequacies to show amongst others. Little did I know, what I did not want others to see stemmed from my own personal insecurities. I also did not realize that my feeling of inadequacy was just that: a feeling, not truth. I knew the power to cast down every imaginative thought that tried to exalt itself against who God created me to be (2 Corinthians 10:5) was accessible, yet I did not understand how to truly tap into activating it.
The first time I truly felt like I had no value outside of my looks was during a time I did not know who I was. So I went through a season of "wilderness" where I separated myself from the outside world. I spent time fasting and in meditation of His Word in order to discover myself. I did not know what else to do other than to relinquish control and allow the Creator to awaken my identity. That process was long, frustrating, agitating, and very lonely; yet necessary. Not only did I receive revelation of who I am, but He also exposed every lie of the enemy that chained me in my mind. I had finally felt free! Once my life shifted to a new season and a new focus, I carried myself with that same confident persona. Only this time, I walked in truth. I walked in assurance of who I was; it was beautiful.
That lasted for about two months before those same feelings of unworthiness, depression, and inadequacy came back to attack my mind. No doubt there was progression, but I did not feel I was progressing fast enough. I began to think that maybe these grant ideas and visions God was giving me were crazy and that I'm way over my head for even thinking that prosperity on the level God was showing me was possible. Once again, there goes the trick of the enemy. I guess he wouldn't be the enemy if he wasn't doing his job of trying to steal my dream, kill my dream, and destroy my dream (John 10:10). What's even crazier is this time, I was well aware of who I was. I knew my identity as well as some of my gifts. I knew the worth I had on this earth as well as the confidence to match. So why was I allowing these insecure thoughts to affect me again? Remember earlier when I mentioned the invisible wall that lingered in my subconscious mind? Yep, it was still there. That wall was built from stones of the past: past hurts, past relationships, and past failures. I knew who I was but I did not take the time to face that wall in order to knock it down just as the people of Israel did when they marched around Jericho and shouted in faith until the wall came down (Joshua 6: 1-20). I didn't even know my "wall of Jericho" existed....until recently.
It's so amazing how the Father works; always sending the right people at the right time to awaken more truth. A close friend of mine was working on her blog and she wanted my perspective on what a confident woman looked like. She asked this question at the peak of my depression. I felt like giving up on trying to reach that next level of greatness and on most days it kept me in bed. So my first response was going to be cliché: "a confident woman has it all together and knows who she is" and blah blah blah. Nevertheless something stopped me from typing that. It instantly hit me that I "had it all together" and knew my identity yet I was still not confident; so I couldn't say that. It was at that moment when I heard the word "vulnerability" from my Father that changed everything.
Vulnerability is showing the rawest, most sensitive parts of yourself. It is when all of your walls have been completely demolished; even the invisible ones. A woman who is comfortable with being vulnerable obviously means she's comfortable in the exposure of her truth. It takes a strong woman to be vulnerable. Others, including myself at one point, often believe that a confident woman has it all together and accepts everything because their life appears to be in place. Although that holds partial truth, you don't have to be perfectly in place to be confident. No disappointing situation happened that caused me to fall back into feelings of insecurity and inadequacy; it was simply a defeated perspective. But when you can get to a place where you accept yourself and everything that comes with you holistically? Not only that but you're free in laying everything on the table shamelessly while remaining peacefully open in your truth? That's a confident woman. You may struggle internally at times. Other times you may have those feelings of unworthiness. But confidence is when you can boldly express that in a vulnerable state without holding back or hiding behind an invisible wall. You recognize where you are with full humility because it's a stepping stone for where you are going. How can you truly be confident without acknowledging those other parts of you? The parts where you wouldn't normally stand up and be anxiously excited to share? Because those parts need a Word too; there's glory attached to them.
I had to understand that confidence doesn't only arise when I stop feeling down and doubtful. Confidence arises in facing the fact that this is my current dilemma. I could no longer subdue my low moments but expose them. Once I brought those broken parts of myself to light, Confidence met me exactly where I was.
I never would have thought to put confidence and vulnerability together. It was only from a place of weariness, defeat, discouragement, and helplessness that I was able to pull vulnerability into the equation of confidence. See how God makes all things work together for our good in the end? (Romans 8:28) And how what the enemy meant for my evil, God made it work for my good? (Genesis 50:20)
Being a woman is hard enough! So don't allow the enemy to make you feel like you have to hide yourself in fear while attempting to repair the broken pieces of you. Instead, embrace the process and remain present in every emotion. Your vulnerability in truth can bless another woman.
Wearing "Lady In The Streets" Dress. Shop this look here.
Photo: Ewings Photography
"She may experience difficult moments that some times cause her to bend and weaken, but a rose is still a rose." - Jess Michelle